Sunday, July 17, 2011

Mad TV: Kenny Rogers Reality Show (The Apprentice)



The only thing standing between these reality TV show contestants is Kenny Rogers. This skit is a direct parody of the reality TV show The Apprentice.


Here is a transcript :
Kenny Rogers – Will Sasso
Snotty Go getter – Ron Pederson
Chinese Guy – Bobby Lee
Just a Guy Guy – Ike Barinholtz
Amorosa – Danielle Gaither

(This Sketch begins in an Office with dimmed lights, quite similar to the Apprentice, with four smart contestants dressed in suits)

These 4 Contestants are about to compete in the Ultimate challenge
Only one of them can be victorious.
And their fate rests in the hands of one man...



Kenny:
 Hi I’m Kenny Rogers!
Woooooo (spins round on his chair)
You’re all on my reality show bitches! (he points to the Kenny Rogers reality show sign)
 

This is gonna be the best reality show ever
Uh, hold on a second I gotta take a Sh** (winks at the camera and leaves the room)
SIX HOURS LATER
(kenny re-enters the room)

Hooooweee!
That Burned,
alright, now where were we?
Oh yeah that’s right the dumb ass contestants
OK first over here we’ve got



The uhhhh the Snotty go getter



And then theres the uhhhhh the uh the Chinese guy
And then theres uhhh what are you?

 

Guy: Just a guy

Kenny: you’re just a guy guy

And then the (Kenny gets very excited), HEY oh yeah hey it’s my favourite look everybody 
It’s the crazy black lady



Amorosa: I beg your pardon

Kenny: The Crazy black lady
Every reality has a crazy black lady, includin' mine.



Amorosa: I’m sorry I find that very offensive

Kenny: That’s not bad, but you gotta put some sass on it Amorosa
Like this, (Kenny sits in Amorosa's seat and tries to be a crazy black lady)
 
Oh damn, I ain’t havin’ it, Leggo' my eggo! (Kenny unexpectedly slams the Guy guy's head into the table 4 times)
I’m America’s best top model up in this mo' (Kenny takes a bow and the contestants clap)
That is what I call reality show sass.

Snotty: (waving his hands about as he speaks)
I’m sorry I was under the impression this show was going to be like the apprentice?
What exactly is this show?

Kenny:
(Kenny impersonates the snotty go getter ridiculing him, he waves his hands) maherna her derna der, derna durna durna duh!
Ha ha ha ha, do you hear that everybody the snotty go getter can’t read!
Well you f***in’ moron
The show is called (Kenny farts)

What’s this sign behind me I can’t read it
Hey lets all switch sides (gets up to swap sides of the table)
Well you live and you learn, alright c’mon everybody, you go on over they, alright
That’s better, anyways
The show is called, oh now it’s on the (Kenny farts again)
Kenny points at the Snotty go getter and agrily says:


You’re fired!

Snotty: What?
Already?

Kenny:Yeah, but I gave you immunity so stay
(Kenny starts guzzling some Jack Daniels)



Burp

Contestants talk amonst themselve and express their disgust:
Oh, he’s gonna get alcohol poisoning

(Kenny finishes his bottle and smashes it over his head)

Snotty: God, didn’t that hurt?

Kenny: No, not at all, you wanna try?
(Kenny smashes the bottle over the snotty go getter’s head knocking him out)

Chinese: Now what do we do?

Kenny: I know let’s do one of them challenge parts

(Cut to the outdoors on a field which looks similar to where the Kenny Rogers Jackass was filmed. The Four Contestants are sat on the grass, kenny is stood up wearing a Kenny Rogers Reality Show vest and grass skirt, holding a spear)


Your first challenge of the day is called... (throws the spear down)
Shootin’ guns at eachother.
I want you all to select a gun from this here cedar pot latch bowl

Amorosa: Are these paintball guns or something?

Kenny: No nah they’re real, look (shoots himself in the leg) 

ARGHH!

 

The contestants are shocked
(Kenny Shoots himself in the other leg) 
ARGHH!

That one tasted like cinnamon

Alright let’s try yours (starts shooting at the contestants, they try to run away)

Cut to the Kenny Rogers Reality show title screen
Stay tuned for the exciting conclu-clusion of Kenny Rogers Reality show

DAY 2

Kenny:
 You’re all playing the game real smart so far
(Kenny points at the Guy guy and shouts):
EXCEPT FOR THIS D*** WAD RIGHT HERE!

(the Guy Guy looks unimpressed and shakes his head is disbelief)

DAY 3

Kenny: 
Da, da, da, da, alright 
Our next challenge is Amoroso has to pick a bachelor to marry
But first let’s swap wives, I’m married to you (Kenny grabs the guy guy)
(he grabs the snotty go getter by the arm and hurts him)
and the rest can all be married to the Chinese guy, ready, go!

(Kenny talks to the Guy Guy):
This house is filthy uh, stop dressing my kids up like homos
How come you never f*** me anymore?
(Kenny gives the guy a double nipple twister)

Guy Guy: AHHHHHHHH!


Kenny: Alright Amorosa which one of them is the next American Idol?

Amorosa: how am I supposed to (Kenny interrupts her) 

Kenny: UHHHHH, Wrong, the right answer was the snotty go getter (Kenny punches the snotty go getter)Well I'm first,
Amoroso, you lost, now you gotta eat sumthin’ gross

Amorosa: Like what?

Kenny: Oh I don’t know? Anything really (starts sniffing)



OH YEAH! (runs over to a tree, grabs a racoon and beats it death,

he then rips it’s head open and removes it’s brains and walks back to the contestants and holds the brains up to the camera)


RACOON BRAINS!
 

Amorosa: and why do I have to eat this?

Kenny: because everybody on reality shows eats racoon brains, doy!
On America’s Best top Model they eat roon brains
On Amazing Race they eat racoon brains
On the O.C they eat racoon brains
it’s the reality show brain eating way!


(Amorosa is about to try and eat some brains when suddenly)

HEY SAVE SOME FOR ME!
(Kenny puts some sauce on the brains and stuffs them in his mouth. he chews them and some drops out of his mouth)
Tastes just like chicken
BUT BRAINIER! 
 
Ha, Ha, ha, ha, ha, (Punches snotty again)

DAY 4

(Back in the office, no sign of Kenny, the contestants sit bored and waiting)



DAY 5 (Still in the office Kenny enters the room)

Kenny: Hey y’all listen, sorry I was gone for Day 4 but Dolly Parton came over to my house and guess what, they’re real hahahahahhaaha (Kenny does hand gestures to show what he was doing with Dolly also a reference to Dolly's fake boobs)


Cut to the outdoors again)

Welcome back our next challenge is called extreme makeover, ready, Extreme Makeover (Kenny smashes a Jack Daniels bottle over the Chinese guy's head
Oh he's alright, (he smashes another piece of glass on the Chinese guy's head, who is now nearly unconscious)[/i]
Perfect.
Our next challenge is called the Fraid Factor, so watch out cause this is really Afraiding...
(Kenny throws a baseball bat into the air, runs after it and jumps head first onto the grass with the bat hitting his head.

 

He walks back to the contestants)

I hope that didn’t scare ya too bad



Chinese: Uh, that wasn’t scary at all
Guy Guy: That was just stupid

Kenny: EXTREME MAKOVER! (smashes the guy guy over the head with the bottle)

DAY 6 (still outdoors, Kenny stands by his car, the four contestants are wearing boxing gloves)



For the final competition, y'all are gonna pimp my ride
But you’re not gonna pimp my ride
You’re gonna box my ride, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Just a guy guy you go first!
(Kenny gets in his car and puts it in reverse, the guy guy stands tall with his fists up,

Kenny drives straight into the Guy guy at full speed running him over,

Kenny gets out of the car and turns to the remaining 3 contestants)


Alright who’s next? (the Guy guy is under Kenny's car)



Cut back to the office


Kenny:Well the competion is over
That was the best reality ever

Snotty: Who won?

Kenny: America did, again!
YOU’RE ALL FIRED!
I’m Kenny Rogers go vist my website
Dubya dubya dubya dot Kenny Rogers says hi dot com www.kennyrogerssayshi.com 
There you’ll find some chicken recipes,
Mug shots and my Blog
BYE!

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